Stranger Things

Hi everyone, happy Wednesday! 

Halloween was two days ago, so y’all know what time it is: get out the garlands and the gingerbread houses, because it’s HOLIDAY TIME, baby! E-comm sites like Strategist start eyeing holiday content as early as September (August, even), but I’m a little more patient, I can be reasoned with — the first week of November, I feel, is more than acceptable to get going on my annual gift guides. I started this tradition all the way back in 2019, and they’re by far my favorite of the themed issues I write; as someone who treats gift-giving as a competitive sport, there’s nothing I love more than researching extremely niche presents for hyperspecific people/situations that will likely have very little relevance to my readers (but will hopefully still entertain you guys!) I’ll be following the same format as I did last year: acquaintances, friends, family, and foes, in that order. Get ready!! Get hyped!!

For the white elephant party where you don’t know anyone: 

CANDLES - OLGA GOOSE (FROM $40)

I harbor a deep-seated prejudice against gag gifts, because while they may be funny in the moment, no one actually wants to go home with pickle-flavored lip balm or a turd-shaped paperweight. You should bring something that’s going to be a guaranteed crowd-pleaser, but still memorable and distinctive; something that speaks to your good taste but isn’t overly luxe (showing up with a high-ticket item says something about you all right, but probably not what you think it does). In short, a wacky little candle is MADE for white elephant exchanges, and while you could just phone it in with a Goober, I think these Olga Goose candles contain scads more charm and whimsy. Feel free to sit back, relax, and watch everyone fight over the donkey candle while the tabletop pool set goes untouched.  

For your friend’s brand-spanking-new boyfriend:

CONVERSATION CARDS - LUMITORY ($15)

You’ve known her since middle school, while he’s known her for, like, what, five minutes? But it would be bad form to show up with nothing for him while presenting to her your thoughtful hand-crafted scrapbook that you labored over for hours, filled with fond memories and inside jokes that he’d never understand. To really emphasize the contrast between how well you know her and how little you know him, gift him these conversation cards featuring tellingly basic questions like “What are three words you’d use to describe yourself?” and “What superpower would you want?”, as an ostensibly conciliatory gesture that suggests you’re open to learning more about him. You might even drop an offhand suggestion that the two of them could try it out sometime, because, well, it’s only been a couple months, right? 

For your super who kindly took care of a pigeon carcass in the dead of night:

HAND-STITCHED PIGEON KEYCHAIN - PATCHYZ CREATIONS ($8.29)

The courtyard of your apartment building is a haven for roosting pigeons, but you were still understandably perturbed when you went down there to fetch your laundry at 11pm and stumbled upon a bloody pigeon corpse. (Luckily, no one was around to witness the undignified sound you made upon its discovery.) To his credit, your panicked text to the building super immediately summoned him to come survey the situation, even though it was nearly midnight. So as a token of your appreciation, drop him off this keychain, a thank you note, and an envelope with some cash tucked inside. (You could also go with the infamous JW Anderson pigeon clutch, but $900 is a bit excessive to spend on someone you only contact when your sink is clogged.)

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Tried one of my recs and loved it (or hated it)? Wanna get something cool on my radar? Drop me a line at kittylguo@gmail.com or swing by my Twitter @kitguo!