Hi everyone, happy Wednesday!
After covering family, friends, and acquaintances, I didn’t think there was any gift guide territory left for me to plumb. But then it hit me — I do have one last category to cover: what do you get for people you don’t… really…. like? This one does NOT draw from personal experience, because, of course, everyone in my life is a flawless angel with whom I have a perfect relationship :) But actually, these are all situations I’ve encountered while browsing the subreddit r/relationships (whose entertainment value rivals that of Netflix, imo!)
This is also going to be my last post of 2021! I’m taking the rest of the month off to go home and do nothing except lounge around and read r/relationships. 2021 was an extremely fruitful year for me, and I can’t wait to see what next year brings, both for me and this newsletter. Hope everyone has a wonderful holiday season, and see you all in 2022!
For your great-aunt who’s constantly bringing up your biological clock:
A.G.E. INTERRUPTER WRINKLE CREAM - SKINCEUTICALS ($162)
The minute you turned 20, the comments started up: “About time to lock down a husband, I’d say…” “Your eggs are most fertile at this age, you know...” “I’m telling you, your good looks only last until you’re 25 and after that no man is going to want your shriveled husk…” Since she’s so fixated on the relentless march of time, gift her a very nice, very expensive anti-aging cream, one specifically marketed for husks FAR more shriveled than yours. Hand it over with a sunny smile and a cheerful comment of your own, something like “I think it’ll do WONDERS for your face, Aunt Mildred!” The clock might be ticking for you, but it’s ticking for her too, and don’t let her forget it.
For your nosy neighbor who’s always popping by with unsolicited advice:
BAUSCH & LOMB VINTAGE BINOCULARS - CAMERA OBSCURA ($28.50)
You didn’t even know your fences needed to be a certain height, but apparently they do and after he helpfully measured them for you, they came up a couple inches short. Or while you were out the mailman left a package in plain sight on your porch so he took the liberty of hiding it behind your potted plant. You’re sure he has good intentions, and he’s never done anything overtly creepy, but you just feel a bit… surveilled. Channel his busybody energy elsewhere with a pair of cheap binoculars, which are ostensibly for birdwatching but will obviously be used for monitoring the rest of the neighborhood. You might want to buy some opaque curtains, just for your own peace of mind, but it’ll be worth it now that he’s hustling over to the family five doors down to let them know their garden needs weeding.
For your boyfriend’s mom who keeps calling you the wrong name on purpose:
PERSONALIZED NAME NECKLACE - CAITLYN MINIMALIST (from $28)
He grew up playing tag with some girl down the street, dated her for three years in high school, then broke it off amicably when they went their separate ways for college. But in her heart of hearts, his mom still thinks of them as endgame — which is why every time you go to visit she insists on calling you by girl-next-door’s name, no matter how many times you politely correct her. Send her a message with a lovely personalized nameplate necklace featuring — you guessed it — a name that’s definitely not hers, and when she points out the mistake, gaslight the shit out of her: “Oh no! They must have gotten mixed up and sent me someone else’s order. Oh well, it happens!” But she’ll know it wasn’t an accident, and she’ll know you know it wasn’t an accident. Guaranteed she’ll magically start remembering your name after that.
Tried one of my recs and loved it (or hated it)? Wanna get something cool on my radar? Drop me a line at kittylguo@gmail.com or swing by my Twitter @kitguo!