Dead in the Water
Hi everyone, happy Wednesday!
Today is my fourth and final installment of my gift guide series! I’ve covered acquaintances, friends, family, and now it’s time for my favorite, most fun issue of the series: people you don’t like. Unfortunately I cannot draw from real life for this one, because I get along swimmingly with everyone in my life :) But I did recently watch a very popular and high-profile TV show full of eminently-dislikable people, which gave me plenty of inspiration! 😉
This is also my last issue of 2022! This was my fourth year of writing WIWO (can you believe it?!) and it grew by leaps and bounds this year, more so than I could ever have imagined. I can’t wait to see what 2023 brings. See you guys in January!
For your 80-year-old grandpa perving on 20-year-olds:
VINTAGE PLAYBOY MAGAZINES - THE HONEYHOLE VTG ($20)
If he would just learn how to operate an iPad, he could knock himself out exploring the troves of explicit material available on the internet; then maybe the nice receptionist wouldn’t be stuck bearing the brunt of his libidinal urges. Alas, you can’t teach an old dog new tricks, so meet him where he’s at and gift him a set of vintage Playboy magazines that he can leaf through at his leisure. Hopefully that’ll distract him enough to keep him from hitting on every pretty waitress in sight.
For the sleazy musician whose job you want to steal:
MANGO YUZU CITRUS LEMONADE - PANERA BREAD ($4)
You’re not trying to bump him off per se; you just need him to experience a mild health scare, thus granting you the opportunity to prove your singing chops. If you want to get the job done without resorting to committing mortal sins on a church pew, just slip him a glass of Panera’s mango yuzu citrus lemonade. At first glance it may appear to be nothing more than an innocuous, delicious refresher, but don’t be fooled — one cup actually contains a whopping 260 mg of caffeine (for reference, a shot of espresso contains around 64 mg). Come back around with a few refills, and that man is 100% going into cardiac arrest, mark my words.
For your clueless Gen Z assistant:
A SMART GIRL’S GUIDE TO GETTING IT TOGETHER - AMERICAN GIRL ($13)
She has zero career goals, zero relationship savvy, and zero self-preservation instincts (provoking a confrontation in the enclosed space of a car??) Unfortunately, she is the last person you’d want advocating for you when a ring of sinister gays have trapped you aboard their yacht. And her wardrobe choices… well, there’s nothing I could say about that that hasn’t already been said. What she needs is this American Girl guide that purports to help readers organize their space, stuff, time, and life — hopefully there’s some advice in there that’ll kick-start her into functioning like a reasonable human being. C’mon girl, get it together!!
Tried one of my recs and loved it (or hated it)? Wanna get something cool on my radar? Drop me a line at kittylguo@gmail.com or swing by my Twitter @kitguo!
Spot on!!