Nothing Purse-onal
Guess what? It’s my 20th post! FYI, every 10 posts I write about things I dislike rather than like. You can find my 10th post here; otherwise, read on for tips as to what not to buy.
Why’d you get that?
PURSES SWEATER - MICHAEL SIMON
Thrifting is a dangerous pursuit. It’s the perfect storm of advertising tactics (items are knocked down from full price!), dopamine hits (you found a hidden gem from an obscure brand!), and virtue signaling (you’re being sustainable and saving the earth!). Thus, I lose any sense of restraint when I am thrifting, and I can very easily persuade myself that I’m in love with something that I normally wouldn’t give a second thought.
Case in point: I got this vintage Michael Simon sweater at (where else?) Beacon’s Closet. Michael Simon is a pioneer of the “ugly sweater,” plastering his colorful creations with loud, flashy, ridiculous prints and patterns. Mine is checkered in all colors of the rainbow, with little vinyl purses superimposed on top. I thought it was cute and funny when I tried it on in the store, but seeing it hanging next to everything else in my wardrobe, its kitschiness is just too overwhelming. I haven’t worn it once — I’m too embarrassed to be seen in it!
In hindsight, I probably should’ve gotten a clue when the cashier rang me up and remarked, “Wow that’s…bold.” Normally I consider myself a risk-taker when it comes to my style, but this sweater is less “cutting-edge fashionista” and more “twee grandma.”
I’m upset with:
PINK IONIC HAND CARVED NATURAL CRYSTAL HIMALAYAN SALT LAMP - HOME DEPOT
I bought a Himalayan salt lamp my freshman year of college, hoping to add a unique, original touch to my dorm room. Fairy lights? Tapestries? Nahhhh. I had no intention of making over my room to resemble a YouTube vlogger’s. Instead, I adorned it with New Yorker postcards and wooden artist manikins, in an attempt to showcase how ~quirky~ I was. I got the lamp at a local flea market, convinced that no one else would have one.
But then Himalayan salt lamps started popping up everywhere — Walmart. Target. Amazon. Home Depot, for crying out loud. Instagram, in a perpetual love affair with crystals and rose gold, jumped all over the trend and thus assimilated it into the dominant home decor aesthetic, along with monstera plants, rattan chairs, and circular mirrors. Clearly, I was not the only person on campus to be displaying a salt lamp on my nightstand. I probably wasn’t even the only person in my hall.
The thing is, I wouldn’t even mind really, if those damn things weren’t so fkn heavy. I’ve switched living situations every year now, so this lamp has followed me to three different apartments, and it’s like lugging around a baby. (I did the research; a small lamp weighs 5-7 pounds, the same as an average newborn!) Plus, those air purification claims are hooey — there’s no evidence to suggest that the lamps release negative ions. I admit, it does give off a very nice ambient pink glow, but nothing that a nightlight couldn’t accomplish just as well. I would recommend getting a salt lamp if you’re comfortably settled into a home you want to convert into a real life Pinterest board.
On my skip list:
WOMEN’S POPPER PANTS SPORTSWEAR ICON CLASH - NIKE
Mmm…hard pass. I am 5’3”, and I can tell at a glance that the hems of these pants are going to drag on the ground and make me trip. Also, that shiny, satiny material just screams “I am 100 percent polyester!” Also, the elastic waistband looks frumpy and unflattering, even on a gorgeous model, which is, y’know, not a good sign. Also, does anyone else think big, billowy pants just resemble skirts? Why not wear a maxi skirt? Also, why put slits in pants?! The whole point of slits in skirts is to make them easier to walk in, but the slits in these pants will make them harder to walk in because all that loose fabric will get in the way of your legs?! Make it make sense!!