Sex Sells
Where’d you get that?:
PORNHUB POCKET T-SHIRT - PORNHUB APPAREL
When people ask me where I got this, the answer, in retrospect, seems obvious. But most people don’t really want to advertise their love for their favorite porn site, even though I’d bet they spend more time jerking it than they do listening to Kanye or whatever.
Which is a shame, because the Pornhub merch site is great! I stumbled upon it while desperately tryna cop a jawn from the Pornhub x Richardson collab. It was too late — everything was sold out — but my consolation was the treasure trove of Pornhub-branded items I discovered along the way. They have hats, sweaters, backpacks, phone cases, mugs, and yes, underwear. I got a T-shirt with the logo emblazoned across the pocket, and every time I wear it out I watch heads turn. Then, when people ask, I say I’m just repping my employer.
I’m obsessed with:
WOMEN’S MERINO WOOL RUNNERS - ALLBIRDS
I am a person unduly susceptible to influence. I try to avoid following any influencers, lest I find myself saddled with all the wares they’ve ever hawked. If I read an article or watch a video hyping a product, I go into a temporary fugue state and when I wake up I’m holding it in my hands. At least, I have no other reasonable explanation for why I stepped into the Allbirds store in SoHo and stepped out with a pair of grey wool runners.
Allbirds are antithetical to my style. I like clothes that are unusual and attention-catching, that garner double-takes from passersby (see above). Allbirds, on the other hand, are so nondescript that, as Rachel Syme wrote in the New Yorker, “your feet almost cease to exist.” They are not cool. They are not fashionable. They are the uniform of Silicon Valley. They are literally the color greige.
I’m not obsessed with them per se; I’m more obsessed with what they say about me and the kind of (basic, bland, boring) person I’m becoming. Or maybe… I’m overthinking it and they’re just dumb shoes that are soft and comfortable and don’t give me blisters? Idk. Catch me at Amazon.
On my wish list:
SATIN LAPEL MINI TUXEDO DRESS - BALMAIN
To compensate for my identity crisis, I’m choosing to covet this Judy Garland-esque Balmain dress. It’s classy, it’s sexy, it’s beautiful, it’s expensive, and it should prove beyond doubt that I do, in fact, have taste.